There have been occasions when I've had a hard time letting go of something. Call me coldhearted if you wish, but I can't in all honesty say that I have a hard time letting go of people, as people tend to come and go. I feel there is wisdom in the saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It depends on the teachings that are offered. Now...most of the time, with me, it is either an emotion, or the question "why?" that I have a hard time letting go of. These are times when something hurtful happens, and when I don't understand why someone would do what they have done - these two things arising together.

So, how would I let go? If it's attached to something that was done 'to me' by another person I would try to focus on my own arisings and not play blame games. In the recent past, this has happened, and I have ended up feeling sorry for that person because they're (still) trapped in an insecure, paranoid nightmare of their own making and can't see clearly. So, basically, what I'm saying is that I focus on my own stuff, while simultaneously feeling compassion for the person who has done hurtful, even shameful things to me. I recognize that they're human. I guess what happens at this point is that I drop the story attached to the energy of suffering, the story that attempts to tell me why I am feeling the way I'm feeling, and then the feeling kind of dissipates by itself. Mind you, this takes time because it's not a one-shot deal. Nothing is ever simple. Patience is also an ingredient in the process of letting go. Notice I have said naught about letting go of the other person -- but rather have focused on what arises in my particular bodymind. "Letting go" of the other person, or pushing them away to be blunt, is an avoidance tactic, an avoidance of my own stuff.

It has been a long day, albeit a quiet one. I now sit before my computer typing away, recording those words which come to mind and which I suddenly feel compelled to write. I think of a time in which there was a clever burglary, one of a series of thefts that baffled the local officials. The thief would enter the building in the night, undetected, while the victims slept; the thief would then remove only one item from the dwelling, replace it with another item that was brought along...this character would then smoke a strange smelling cigarette and then leave the scene without a sound. Now, today, I heard that the bandit struck again, entering a house and removing a nonremarkable piece of artwork from the wall above the bed where the victim was sleeping, and replacing it with a portrait of a mysterious looking woman. This is the tale the woman tells when the police arrive, entering a dwelling that now houses a cloud of fragrant smoke and a mysterious painting. The police search the place, baffled as they usually are when they are called to the scene of these mysterious crimes. They talk amongst each other, wondering who the bandit is. They wonder why I chose to steal that painting from above the bed, and why I replaced it with something far more valuable. Hey, wait! One of the policemen has just noticed a piece of paper lying by the bed near the painting of the woman. He begins to read it aloud to those of us, who have crowded around him..."It has been a long day, albeit a quiet one. I now sit before my computer typing away, recording those words which come to mind and which I suddenly feel compelled to write. I think of a time in which there was a clever burglary..."

 =))

I've learned that healing does not happen overnight, and can be a painful process in itself. For me it comes in phases, or stages. It is like dying over and over again, and each time, emerging stronger, wiser, and more beautiful...it's a metamorphosis.

It is both an external and internal process. The external process is that of apologizing and at least attempting to make amends with someone, if there's a someone involved who I have hurt in some way. It is to admit fault both to myself and to the other person, be genuinely sorry for what I've done, and admit this...even if my 'pride' might suffer a good bit. It is being mature, authentic, and willing to explore the issues at play, among other things...in an absolutely honest fashion.

With the internal process, the key is to acknowledge whatever it is that's causing the intense suffering, and then acknowledge and fully face, fully feel the suffering itself when it arises. Everytime it arises. It seems to arise in layers, one more intense than the next. If I don't face it when it arises, it revisits, worse and worse each time until I turn around and meet it head on.

Healing also encompasses recognizing my own harmful patterns of thought or behavior and actively working towards more healthy ways of being. Being willing to let go of old, unhealthy interactive patterns is also a good start.

There is indeed a connection between healing and letting go. What I mean is that letting go of the poison -- the story that arises with the suffering, and not eliminating the other person or people involved in the story or conflict from our lives -- allows one the opportunity to begin healing.  To be clear, running away from the person or the conflict is not the letting go I'm talking about -- this is never the answer. Letting go of the poisonous inner 'story', lying at the bottom of the well, is the answer, the path to healing.

Hope this made some sense...

~M   =))

Holding on and letting go...they can be finely interwoven indeed.

I have discovered that letting go and holding on can be harmful and helpful, and that both can happen at the same time and be really healthy.

For instance say that conflict arises between me and a friend, and it's a weird, sticky one at that. All kinds of egoic stuff arises on both sides -- perhaps fear on my side, and root security issues on the other side. We both end up doing things that aren't authentic and of loving service to the other. It just gets worse and worse, and neither of us is willing to really, authentically communicate with the other.

The easy way out would be to let go and end the friendship. In ending the friendship with the issues unresolved, one or both parties will hold on, internally or externally, or both to some degree, to either the friendship or the perceived cause of the conflict. This is poisonous to the being, and nothing good comes of it.

A better solution would be to openly face, acknowledge, and consciously let go of the old ways of being that helped cause the conflict and weird interactive patterns, instead of letting go of the friendship. In such a manner I and the other person, in working and resolving such issues in a mature, authentic fashon, become a model for others.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that both letting go and holding on can be simultaneous, and a wise thing if done just the right way. Let go of the old ways of being, do work individually, try to resolve issues between us without triangulating or bowing out, spend time apart if necessary, but don't ever completely burn the bridge.

And just be open, honest and authentic at all costs. If uncomfortable, say so. If one does something that isn't quite authentic, bring it up and out, check them on it...and so forth. If you've done something untoward, apologize and honor the other by admitting to what you've done. Sometimes an apology goes a long way.

Never triangulate, and regardless of role structures in work or elsewhere, do not ever drag friendship and personal concerns into that arena, or pull rank on the other person, if that particular role structure (employer-employee/teacher-student etc) exists simultaneously with the friendship. Have clear boundaries. Be loving. Treat that person how they would like to be treated. Be a true reflection of spirit to the other. Learn from the issues, from the friendship, and from the other. Communicate. Move forward.

Love sustains, negativity drains.

One is sustenance; the other, a deadly poison.

What I miss most when I am traveling is the people I spend a great deal of time with -- but this is only on longer trips. On short vacations, to be honest, I go away to escape and recentre, and don't tend to miss anything or anyone.

When I return from either type of vacation, what I enjoy the most is the comfort and peace of my home, and curling up in my own bed....and, of course, seeing a good friend or two, or three.

=))

Never go to bed angry...

A very young but clearly wise group member of mine recently described 'going to bed angry' pretty well, and in an unusual sense. In retrospect, she did this partially directed at me, because it had become apparent to her that there has been an issue between myself and another person, and it has been unresolved for a while now. But she primarily did this because the 'someone else' involved in the conflict suddenly cut off contact with her for the sole reason that he found out she knew me, period. Thanks, Paige, for the reality check and even rebuke.

The unusual sense she described is not a literal sense of 'going to bed angry'. It is the experience of having a conflict, misunderstanding, or something similar arise, and allowing it to fester for days, months, even perhaps years, without actively working towards a resolution, and this causing a poisoning of the being.

I'll expand on this myself by saying, from experience, that it's like this:

Out in a grassy field, there stands a well. The water inside is clear. The water in the well is such that it clearly reflects everything around and in it. The water inside is clean and many come to drink from this well, as the water is healing and good.

But one day the water begins to cloud, and when I look into the well, I cannot see a clear reflection but rather see filth swirling in the water. Soon the entire surface of the water is covered by something noxious, and a roguish smell rises from it.

Those who continue to drink from the well become sick from the water...

...as the water is now poisoned. The well is no longer of good service to those who come to it for nourishment and healing.

Now think of it this way. Say that something arises between you and someone else, something incomprehensible and that allows for all sorts of negative arisings. Say that there's a lot of misunderstandings and confusion, and a lot of other weird and painful stuff going on for both parties, but not caused by both parties...and each person confusedly and incorrectly blames the other for what has happened, both forcefully pushing the other away. Then both try to move forward, leaving everything unresolved. Say that this continues interminably, without any attempt by either party to work towards resolving and clearing up the negativity and misunderstandings.

The well of being begins to be poisoned.

Oh, yes, it does. Perhaps it goes unnoticed at first, because we pretend everything is okay, and (or) because that person is apparently not around to make the bad feelings come back. We play the blame game and insist the other is at fault, even though it is obvious that they are completely innocent. Even if we know they are innocent, now it would be necessary to swallow our pride and try to make amends. But, no, we don't do this because it would be too embarrassing and we'll lose face with our other friends and at work.

Poison...

Or, we've made it such that that person cannot find us, or something of that nature (I'm guilty of this), or perhaps we've done something to more drastically avoid that person, something extremely hurtful, perhaps, so that they won't want to approach us, and won't want to try resolving the issues that badly need resolving.

Poison...

Now, whenever we hear any mention of that person, the bad stuff comes back to haunt us, and we run from this. We might even use alcohol here, as a method of conscious (or unconscious) avoidance. We might throw ourselves a pity party here.

More poison...

We continue to believe that the person is the problem, and tell ourselves that we've done the right thing. There may even be a (sick, somewhat sadistic) feeling and thought of 'good riddance'. We tell ourselves that life couldn't be better.

More poison in the well...

...as we continue this interminably.

By now, it becomes more difficult to function normally. And it becomes obvious that our negative energy, caused by the earlier circumstances, is interfering with our daily life. It comes up at night when we're all alone; it's never far away, but ever present. There is a desire to make amends, but simultaneously a desire to keep our reputation good, so we do nothing.

How long does this go on?

At this point we cannot hope to be a good reflection of Spirit and kindness to anyone else.

Our well of being is poisoned.

At what point do we begin purifying the well, if not mainly to restore the 'old way' of being between ourselves and that other person, but mainly to be a more authentic reflection for the good of the Whole?

I am open, ready and willing...

perhaps the other person might be, too. =))

A communal cleaning of the wells sounds like a really good, wise idea. Haha!!! Yes, it does! It is certainly better than a pretense of normality. This goes for both parties. Unchecked, unacknowledged, un-faced anger, resentment and discontent, avoidance and pretense, fear and trepidation, blame-placing, guilt and pride...are figurative, malignant cancers. A poisonous cocktail. A poisoned well. A poisoned and poisonous well of being.

--MS